


(your lies are) my favorite poison

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mentions Of Infidelity, NHEV, No Happy Ending Fest, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29317005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: How many lies would Kyungsoo be able to taste on Jongin's lips to keep what they had?He was no longer sure what the answer to that question was.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2020





	(your lies are) my favorite poison

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** R4-063  
>  **Prompt:** "Out of all the lies he uttered, his 'I love you' was my favorite"  
>  **Pairing/Main Character(s):** Kai/D.O.  
>  **Word Count:** 3.6k  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):** unhealthy relationship, mentions of smoking  
>  **Author's note:** I fell in love with this prompt as soon as I saw it, so I did my best to deliver some pain to yall! Also  
> everything in italic is a memory just to avoid any misunderstandings. Hope you like it as much as I did, enjoy!

The moon shone high in the dark sky, its brightness partially brightening the room in which a single man stared at the wide-open window in front of him. A glass of some cheap drink was in one of his hands, the other was busy with a cigarette that was almost finished. Behind the aging couch, an old record player emitted the sounds of an empty melody that the man no longer cared to hear.

The nights were the worst part of Kyungsoo's routine. It was in them that he felt the heat of the body of those who loved to burn him, marking his skin as ember and leaving deeper marks than he could ever explain. But also, it was at night that the emptiness of it all came up and his chest seemed to be a black hole about to swallow everything, including himself.

He received the message sent hurriedly a few hours ago, however, he was used to the pace of things when it came to the one he expected. It was always a hurried and short message, without a "how's it going" or "I missed you", no, the relationship between the two didn't work that way. Even so, when they met again, there was gentleness in the touches that caressed Kyungsoo and the whispered words in the safety of the bed felt like honey, sweetening any and all doubts he might have about the feeling between them.

The man finished his cigarette, putting out it’s butt in an already dirty ashtray hidden among piles of old papers, all that waiting tired him. Kyungsoo wanted to break the glass he was holding on the other's head when he arrived, he would shout and end it all for once and for all. But that was a cruel lie and he knew it. He knew that when Jongin entered the door with his feline eyes and an innocent smile, Kyungsoo would do it all again and give in to any of his selfish wishes. 

_ The atmosphere smelled of alcohol and weed, the music was so loud on the speakers that it would probably hurt the ears of anyone who got too close. The bodies that moved to the rhythm of the music in that room, however, did not seem to care or were already too far from the sober state to be bothered.  _

_ Kyungsoo watched the people around him, finding the interactions between them funny, and even though he drank a few shots of vodka, he was sober enough to laugh at others' drunk state. His eyes scanned the surroundings and stopped at a boy sitting on a colorful bench across the room, the way his brown hair fell in a mess over his eyes was adorable, and his disinterested gaze at the empty glass he was holding indicated that he was tired of it perhaps as much as Kyungsoo. Without thinking so much, he got up from the couch he was sitting on and went over to talk to the boy. _

Sometimes he questioned when things got so out of his control that way. Perhaps Kyungsoo's mistake was the first night they spent together, two sweaty, hot bodies trying to make the most of such an ephemeral pleasure. Jongin should have been just another ghost in Kyungsoo's bed, just another memory among many, however, it became a haunting that came back almost every night to disturb him.

_ "I am not romantic, Kyungsoo. I hope you know that" _

_ The two were lying on the bed, Jongin's head against the other's chest kept them from looking at each other’s eyes after the words had been said, but Kyungsoo was grateful for that, for he knew that the shadow of hurt in his eyes would denounce him.  _

_ It was another one of those nights that Jongin came to his house without warning and he, like the fool he was, welcomed him into his bed even though his sweet scent was mixed with that of other people. Superficially he would ignore the red nail marks on his back, the purple ones on his neck and bites drawn on the other man's thighs, but his insides were raging. On those nights, Kyungsoo marked him out of pure selfishness. _

_ "I know that, Jongin, but I wouldn't trade you for anything" _

_ He heard Jongin laugh at that, as if the words were funny as if Kyungsoo’s heart wasn’t at the line.  _

_ “Maybe I could learn how to love you” _

Kyungsoo filled his glass for what seemed like the thousandth time that night, he would probably regret it the next morning, when he woke up alone with the weight of a hangover on his back, but now this was the way he found to deal with the situation. From the beginning, he knew that Jongin belonged to no one, he was the perfect blend of innocence and sin that would win someone over and then go, looking for the next.

_ "There is only one way to trap me in this life, Kyungsoo, and it involves a bed, handcuffs and a safe word" _

_ He laughed lightly, as if he could float and fly out of Kyungsoo's reach any minute, the thought made him squeeze his hands on the waist of the one in his lap. He knew that he would leave marks on the man's skin and, part of him, believed that this was a fair exchange: physical for emotional. If Jongin marked the emotional mess he was without asking permission, let Kyungsoo repay a portion of it all on his skin. _

_ "If you want, I can get you a handcuff to arrest you" _

_ He could see a sign of malice in Jongin's eyes when he heard those words, but as soon as it came, it left. When he faced Kyungsoo again there was affection in his eyes and an almost shy smile danced on his lips, Jongin reached out a hand to caress his face so delicately that Kyungsoo felt like a precious piece of art.  _

_ “You don’t need this, I already love you” _

_ That night, when Jongin left, Kyungsoo wouldn't let the other man's sentence escape his mind and wished it were true. He wished he had not felt the hesitation in Jongin's voice when he said those words, much less the restlessness inside his own chest when he saw that their eyes were not meeting when Kyungsoo said he loved him back. _

The alcohol tasted bitter and went down Kyungsoo's throat, burning it whole, there was a time when that sensation calmed him and, in a way, brought comfort. A time before Jongin appeared and gave him the false hope of having someone for himself, however, this was already a distant and empty memory that disappeared like a mist in the air when he tried to reach it. His hope was a lie he had created for himself in an attempt to find comfort and affection in the words of the other, looking for a trace of love in any gesture.

Kyungsoo was pathetic.

_ Jongin's thin fingers traced invisible patterns on Kyungsoo's skin, each touch sent a shiver through his body. Although it was the middle of summer, he felt cold. The other's hand was warm and left traces of heat on the surface of Kyungsoo's belly, little by little, found the man's thighs lying on the bed and allowed his nails to scratch the sensitive skin, which pulled a moan from the other's lips. _

_ It was the first time that Jongin seemed to be so calm in bed, an evident contrast to the haste that normally led them both to have sex, Kyungsoo was being received with light touches, careful even. When Jongin penetrated him, there was no rush in his movements and he did not move initially, standing still with his hands resting on the chest of the one below him. _

_ There was something about Jongin's gaze that night that seemed out of place, his eyes usually dominated by teasing were covered in a dull haze, but when Kyungsoo thought about saying something, the man closed his eyes and started to move. _

_ His hands searched for the other's inside him, and as soon as he found them, he tightly linked their fingers together. When they reached orgasm, Jongin was still holding Kyungsoo's hand, however, avoiding his gaze.  _

_ He could have sworn he saw a tear trickle down Jongin's cheek. _

Amazing how minutes seem like hours when you are alone waiting for someone, in a way, Kyungsoo no longer understood what he was waiting for. The impatient tapping of his fingers on the already hot surface of the glass, the frantic tapping of his feet against the cold carpet as he paced around, his physique was a representation of his emotional. It was ridiculous how Jongin managed to mess with him with just a quick and poorly worded message. On the other hand, Kyungsoo knew that it was the other who would give him the false comfort when he was in his arms, even if he was the only one who would be brooding over possible feelings of such an act.

_ When they kissed again, Kyungsoo could have sworn he could taste every lie from Jongin on his lips. His thirsty mouth sought the other's lips in despair, as if he could tear every unspoken word from the back of his throat, perhaps this way Kyungsoo would finally forget that it was his choice living a lie.  _

_ He could forget that moments ago Jongin was whispering on the phone with someone unknown, and that there were marks on his chest that Kyungsoo was not responsible for. And as much as all the signs were before his eyes, Kyungsoo still remembered the vows of love and shy smiles as well as all the caresses that made him want to believe that reality was not as he saw it. _

_ Jongin's hands on his hips squeezed tightly, and they both knew that purple marks would be there tomorrow, but that didn't matter to Kyungsoo. He wanted to feel desired after all. Truth be told, Kyungsoo wished that Jongin would lose his mind in desire and that, at least once, he would be able to feel his blood bubbling just as he did. Even so, each touch of Jongin burned on his skin with the force of the phrases that would never be uttered between them. _

_ He wanted to scream and hurt Jongin, pouring all the turmoil of feelings that afflicted his heart on the floor of the room right between them. And then, when both were broken enough that there wasn’t a piece left, he would ask if it had been enough, if  _ **_he_ ** _ had been enough at some point. _

_ “I love you so much, Kyungsoo” Jongin said breathless when they broke their kiss, eyes as dark as the night outside “I’m so glad you’re mine” _

_ The lie left Jongin's lips so easily that Kyungsoo almost believed it, however, he knew better than that. _

Some part of him was lost in the feeling of Jongin’s arms around his body, the memory so vivid in his mind that Kyungsoo could pretend it was happening. Sighing in silence, he started to dance alone in the middle of the chaos he called home, remembering the time Jongin brought him roses and danced with him, both stepping on each other’s feet and laughing so much that Kyungsoo’s belly started to hurt. It made him feel loved and young, as if he was living some soap opera romance that would make all his friends jealous.

The truth is that in the last year, Kyungsoo's life was built on a lie that he pretended not to understand, but that at the same time seemed just an invention of his mind.

How could he have so many doubts about Jongin's feelings? After all, the one who danced with him in the living room and brought him flowers was the same one who appeared on his doorstep with other people's perfume? To accept that everything was just an act to conquer him would be too painful, a failure in the future that he secretly planned to have and, perhaps because of that, swallowing every lie told by Jongin was his biggest addiction.

And so life went on like the stage of a play where Kyungsoo and Jongin repeated memorized speeches to each other, one hoping to be loved and another to have their desires satisfied.

And if the price Kyungsoo had to pay to receive Jongin's love was the mark of the lies he told, so be it. At least at the end of the day solitude would be an abstract idea, they could dance more and more often in the room between laughter and kisses. He would be embraced by Jongin and feel safe in his arms ㅡ _ “You’re so special to me, Kyungsoo, I love you” _ he’d hear the man say and drink the lie as it was his favorite poison.

_ Dim light came in through the window, illuminating the chaotic messy room. Kyungsoo shifted uncomfortably in bed, for the first time in years, he didn't feel cold in the morning. But when he noticed the warm touch of a body against his, the man shivered as if the cold December wind had hit him. He was not alone. Warm hands with long fingers wrapped around his waist, their chests were pressed together, and Kyungsoo's nostrils were flooded with the scent of Jongin's shampoo.  _

_ There was something wrong. Jongin never stayed, no matter what the situation.  _

_ Euphoria dominated Kyungsoo's chest and he could feel his heart racing, what did Jongin do there? Suddenly, he realized the weight of his body and every fiber of his being seemed to throb on contact with the other, it all seemed out of place, like pieces of a puzzle in opposite positions.  _

_ At the same time, waking up with Jongin in his arms felt right. The way the other's slender legs fit perfectly between Kyungsoo's thick ones, the soft, delicate touch of his hands holding him in a crooked embrace, and the serenity on Jongin's face that made him look like an angel. For a moment, he was unable to avoid his imagination, and when he realized, he already imagined what it would feel like to have the other one with him every morning. _

_ The restless movement of the man warned Kyungsoo that he would possibly wake up soon, so he chose to close his eyes and try to hold on for as long as possible in Jongin's presence. He knew that cold solitude awaited him in a few hours - or minutes - so he tried to record as many details as possible in his mind, feeling his chest tighten and his own mind laughing at his pathetic passionate state. _

_ A light touch of lips against his made Kyungsoo open his eyes, meeting Jongin's dark ones. His brown hair was disheveled and the unruly strands fell under his eyes, however, there was no trace of the usual provocative look there; just serenity. _

_ "Good morning, Kyungsoo" he murmured before sealing his lips over the man's again. _

_ Kyungsoo stared at him confused, the euphoria in his chest did not seem to subside and, since the other had woken up, he was on the verge of swallowing his being completely. Jongin didn't seem to notice or was just very good at pretending, as he smiled getting up from the bed and looking for a shirt to cover his naked body. The man on the bed just watched the other, now wearing his wrinkled white shirt, walking to the bedroom door with light steps. _

_ "Aren't you hungry? I don't know how to cook, but I can try to do something for us" _

_ Without being able to make a sound, Kyungsoo just nodded and followed the other to the kitchen. He watched as Jongin moved among his drawers and cupboards looking for what he needed, Jongin said things that Kyungsoo did not hear, his mind was far away. He could not speak, he just sat at the table and pretended to listen while the other seemed to enjoy cooking. _

_ "I hope you like pancakes, because it's the only thing I learned to do because of youtube videos" Jongin turned to him offering a dish that Kyungsoo accepted uncertainly "Sorry, maybe you prefer something more traditional? I'm used to this kind of breakfast " _

_ "No, that's fine" _

_ Without saying anything, Jongin sat down at the table. The air seemed thin and Kyungsoo was on the verge of suffocating. Jongin had stayed, made breakfast for both of them and was talking about his life. He had never lived such a homely morning before, the idea scared him completely and, as much as he wanted to have others like this, he knew it was just a dream in his deluded mind.  _

_ He faced the other in front of him, his hair seemed to shine against the sunlight and he ate slowly, lost in his own thoughts. Did he think the same thing as Kyungsoo? _

_ "You know, this is the first time I spend the morning with someone" _

_ "It looks lonely" _

_ Jongin's gaze lost its amusement glint and, for an instant, Kyungsoo could see a shadow pass over his indecipherable face. _

_ "I’m not lonely” He answers smiling “I have you” _

_ The words hit Kyungsoo like bricks, the pancake he ate stopping at his throat making him choke. Was he really that important to Jongin? And if so, then why was their relationship so fickle? One day Jongin would cover him with love and affection, the next he would come to visit him with the marks of other lovers. However, Kyungsoo was as much to blame as Jongin was, even though noticing such details, he ignored them to supply his own loneliness. _

_ "I’m glad" The lie burned in Kyungsoo's tongue, sounding false even to his ears "What are you being so romantic for? I remember what you said to me when we first started dating” _

_ The word ‘dating’ left his lips with almost evident aggression and, to hide it, Kyungsoo laughed dryly. If Jongin noticed, he said nothing. _

_ "I told you I could learn how to love you" _

_ "Did you?” Kyungsoo asks, hoping hope doesn't overflow in his voice. _

_ He watched as Jongin stopped eating, a forced smile playing on his lips while his eyes showed no emotion at all. _

_ “Of course I did” Gently, Jongin stroked Kyungsoo's face across the table and, for an instant, he felt his heart calm with the possibilities of that gesture “I need to go now, sorry. We’ll talk later” _

_ Silently, Jongin stood up, leaving his unfinished pancakes behind. He kissed Kyungsoo goodbye and, as he heard the door slam shut as news of his departure, Kyungsoo thought about what happened. He felt ridiculous and the words he had said still burned in his mouth, they were bitter and full of hurt. _

_ But at least he got the affection he yearned. _

_ Attention. _

_ Love. _

_ Jongin did not return for two months ㅡ too busy with business meetings and trips he said ㅡ, and when he appeared at Kyungsoo's door again holding a flower bouquet, the two did not bring it up. The next morning, he woke up alone feeling cold in the middle of the summer morning, knowing that his cold body was a reminder of all the lies hidden underneath the surface of their relationship. _

Sitting on the sofa, he wondered why he continued with all that. Jongin was like fire, uncontrollable and intense, willing to dominate and burn everything around him. Kyungsoo was the fool who had come too close to the flames, enchanted by their brightness, trying to control it with his bare hands. Knowing his own guilt was like a penance, he was constantly punished for his weakness in denying the other's wishes and, more importantly, for his stupidity in being carried away by a feeling. There was no reciprocity. Jongin played with his emotions like a cat plays with its prey before eating, all Kyungsoo had was half a dozen ambiguous phrases and actions that would later haunt him in the solitude of his bed.

It was two in the morning and he was tired. Tired of Jongin and his inconsequential games that always ended in his own hurt, but also tired of continuing the silent agreement they signed. 

Drinking the rest of the alcohol he was holding in one go, he decided he would no longer wait for nothing. He got up as if the weight of the world was on his back and looked at the messy apartment, it was like looking at himself through objects. 

Full of old marks, a mess that nobody wanted to fix.

The metallic sound of a bell ringing made Kyungsoo turn to the white door on the other side of the room, he would not open it, he would go to his room to sink into the white sheets and dream of another life.

His feet, however, did not listen to his mind and led him to the door. His conscience seemed to scream and he could hear sirens and alarms go off when his hand found the knob cold, in the back of his mind a voice reminded him of what awaited him the next day.

When he opened the door, feline eyes stared at him and a smile played on the pink lips of the man in front of him. The record player in the room seemed to be playing the last notes of a sad song. Sighing, Kyungsoo felt his heart jump out of his chest when he heard that familiar sweet voice.

“Hello, Kyungsoo”

With just two words Jongin was able to break down all plans that Kyungsoo had to end once and for all the relationship between them, because out of all the lies he uttered, his 'I love you' was Kyungsoo’s favorite.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcomed! Thanks a lot for reading it (and also huge thanks to no happy ending mods who organized this amazing ficfest! if you enjoyed this fic, go give a chance to others too!)


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